Family

I still have not talked to my father since he upset my sister with his phone call about our mother being a liar. I reached out to him a few weeks ago in a text and went on this tirade about her again and that he can’t believe I am willing to alienate him over this. My much younger sister, who is really my half sister, decided she would message me today and tell me that I should mend things with our father. I asked her to stay out of it, which of course she didn’t and called both my father and me immature. Well, let’s just say I gave her an earful about how I have been hurt by him. She is young, there is at least a 25 year age difference, and so I know she doesn’t understand. This is not easy for me. I just can’t let myself be hurt again. I suggested she have him write me a letter and that he needs to admit he didn’t pay child support. This has festered for a long time. He has said stupid things and I have kept my mouth shut to keep the peace. I am tired of being the one to keep peace. I am getting to old to have to keep up a charade and not be me. I am not saying I will never speak to him again, but for now I just won’t. I can’t.

Finding Time

I have to go back to work on Monday! I have had two weeks off and have really enjoyed them, but even with the time off, I still feel like I didn’t get enough time with Sylvia. She still had to work the week before Christmas, but was off this week. However, this is one of the few times that she has NO students and NO other work that has to be done so she wants to just stay home. This is fine, but she doesn’t like to watch TV with me and she wants to chill out and have some time to herself. Again, this is fine with me, but then I am home and don’t have much that has to be done so I want to go and DO something. I took Ethan off to a museum this past Wednesday with my niece. It was a lot of fun and we got ice cream afterwards. Yesterday, we took down Christmas decorations and then Ethan and I went to the library for a while. I don’t mean to complain, because we have had time to nap a few times and we have even been able to sleep in to 8:00 several mornings. I really would have liked more cuddle time at night and more time for love making (OK, I said it, I wasn’t sure if I could). When we are both working, we climb in to bed and just want to sleep. I know that “quantity” is not important, but it doesn’t help when you go several weeks with no intimacy in the bedroom. It wasn’t a complete bust, we did have some time over the break, but it still seems like it has not been enough. We have both been skipping periods and that has allowed for more opportunities, but then today her period showed up. Sorry if this is TMI, but with two women you have twice the luck of having a period nix any chance of love making. I do enjoy being able to sleep in and cuddle in the morning. I enjoy cuddling at night too, but sometimes I just wish for a bit more…maybe I am being greedy and selfish….maybe I just enjoy how close I feel to her when we make love. I will always love her, no matter what! I am getting ready to head to bed and look for some cuddle time!

Merry Christmas!

I just wanted to say “Merry Christmas” to everyone! Sylvia celebrates her Christmas on December 24th, so we will have dinner with her tomorrow night. My mom will stop by and we will exchange presents. She will drive to my sister’s house who lives a few hours away and stay with her for Christmas. Jack has to work, but he will come in and eat later. We will open a few presents and have some desserts! We will then celebrate Christmas with my brother and his family here at our house. Jack doesn’t have to work so we will all be here. We would usually go to my dad’s house later in the evening on Christmas Day, but not this year. We are still not speaking. I am not happy about the situation, but a great weight has been lifted off of me knowing that I don’t have to go over there and not be my true self.

I hope everyone has a very Merry Christmas. Be safe out there!

Simple Life

Sylvia and I lead a very simple life. I work a typical school day and also do some mystery shopping on the weekends. Sylvia teaches also, but not in a school district. Her work day varies from day to day based on when a student needs a lesson. She doesn’t get home until 8:00 some nights, but her work day may have started at 10:00 am. This is just how things are for us. It is nice int he summer when I am off and we can see each other more, because I don’t have to leave for work. This is also true for the holidays and she is even off more around this time of year. However, we tend to be home bodies and we don’t go out much. We have a small group of friends that we go to dinner with. We did go to Christmas party this last Saturday and had a good time. We will go to a friend’s house on New Year’s Eve for a party as well.

I just wonder if we should do more together. She doesn’t like going to the movies so we don’t do that. We will go off for a weekend when we take Ethan to his special needs camp in March. We usually find something we can do together on that weekend. I sometimes wish one of us had a more adventurous spirit that would encourage the other one to go off and just have an adventure. It doesn’t have to be exotic or dangerous, just something we can do together.

If you have any ideas for me, please do share them!!!! Merry Christmas!

My Follow Up Appointment with the Doctor

Sylvia went with me to see my gynecologist today. I wanted her there to hear my options regarding my recent “female issues” that involved trips to the emergency room. This was our first trip to a doctor together that didn’t involve the emergency room. The doctor explained that I could try hormone replacement, but I am not having night sweats or any symptoms like that. I have not had the severe cramps since late October, so that is a good thing. My main issue is my HEAVY period when it does rear its ugly head. I feel like a teenage girl who never knows when it will arrive and how heavy will it be. I don’t mind having a period, but what I do mind is having an accident. It was really heavy last month and quite gross…..and that is all I am going to say. I don’t think you all want to hear the gory details. We did discuss a hysterectomy and we decided to wait on that unless something more serious occurs again. I may also consider ablation which would remove the lining of the uterus, which would stop my periods or greatly lessen them. We discussed all of these options and one more! The doctor has prescribed me a medicine to take when my period starts that will keep it from getting too heavy. As soon as my period starts I will take two pills three times a day until my period ends. We will start there and see how it goes. I should actually be on my period right now, but it hasn’t showed….YET! I do skip sometimes.

I think we have a good plan and I was glad that Sylvia was there to hear all the options and the pros and cons of each. I am happy that she took the time to be with me and want to be there. It means a lot to me and I want to be there for her as well. I am off until January 2nd and she is down to just a few students then she will be off. I am glad this appointment is behind us and we will move on and see what happens!

More on my Father

My father finally reached out to my sister and apologized for how he acted. He called my number, and surprisingly the call came through even though I had blocked him (Jack and I are on the cloud with our phone numbers, so he had my dad saved as grandpa, so I think that is why it came through). I didn’t answer, but he left a message. He asked me to call him. I waited 24 hours and then texted him that I would call, but not right away. This has really been weighing on me the last few days. I have never truly felt that he has accepted me and Sylvia and our marriage.

I decided to text him instead of calling. I told him that I even before this thing with my sister, that I had not felt comfortable in his home. I told him that I could not be me when I was around him. I did bring in “the man” that is now our president elect and how he has spoken about handicap people (my son is handicapped) and how he has talked about women. I only brought him up to say BEFORE the election it was hard to be around him, but since the election I truly didn’t feel that I could be at his home where ALL of my family supported THIS MAN. I tried to make this about ME and HOW I feel. I also said that my wife didn’t like being at his home and that is why she rarely accompanied me to his house.

He responded after a while and said we should agree to disagree on the election results. He brought up HILLARY and that she supports abortion in the 9th month and that she support aborting handicapped babies. He said some other stuff and said that he has always accepted both Sylvia and I in his home. Long story short, I brought up some things he has said around us both and he denied saying them, basically calling Sylvia a liar. When I called him on it, not saying WHEN he said it, he replied with “that was 2 years ago, get over it”, so he does remember saying it. He also brought up the reason he called my sister and accused my mother of lying again.

I kept trying to address that I don’t feel accepted, and he just said he accepted me. However, what he says and what he does shows me otherwise. He then said he was DONE in a text. Now before you start to criticize about having this conversation through text, realize, that I have tried to have phone conversations on other issues with him in the past and they have not gone well. He wants me to just FORGET what has happened and what has been said and just act like nothing has happened. I have done that for several years, when he has ranted about how gays will NEVER be allowed to marry, when he has ranted about abortion, when he has wondered how my ex-husband can survive after paying child support, when he says he accepts me, but not the “lifestyle”. What the hell is the lesbian lifestyle. My two boys have done so much better with Sylvia being here.

This is a bit of a rambling post, but I have found my voice and I will not be quiet. I will not sit and be quiet when people support laws that limit my freedom, that limit my special needs son’s life….I will not be a victim anymore.

Christmas Baking

It is that time of year again and the baking has already begun!! Sylvia and I both like to bake our special treats for Christmas. She has students and co-workers that she gives these baked goods to and I have staff and friends I like to share with. I even make up around 30 gift bags to send with Ethan full of these Christmas treats. My all time favorite baked good is the Snowball cookies that I make each year. Some of Sylvia’s co-workers asked her if she would be bringing those white cookies (snowball cookies) and chocolate truffles again this year. It makes me happy to know people enjoy what I make. Sylvia found the truffle recipe two years ago and we made them again last year. We plan on making them again this year. Both boys enjoy coming in to help with the truffle making and they are so easy to make. Sylvia makes up the chocolate and then refrigerates it. She and I roll the truffles and the boys decorate them in the various sprinkles we purchased. We count the truffles as we go and on the 11th truffle one person gets to do a quality control test and taste the truffle. We then restart the counting and the next person gets to have a taste on the 11th truffle. We make about 100 truffles each time and enjoy sitting around and chatting!

Sylvia has a chocolate walnut recipe type of candy she makes, but we don’t have an official name for it. We call them the “walnut things”, but they are good. I also make homemade pralines! My great-grandmother taught my mother how to make pralines and I have been making them for the past four years. I don’t usually send those in the treat bags, because not everyone likes them. However, I do make them for friends and family as Christmas gifts. Two years ago someone asked if they could pay me to make the pralines for them and I did. She gave them as a gift and said her friend loved them. My niece and nephew come over every year and we make homemade sugar cookies with Ethan. If Jack is home, he will stop and help us decorate the cookies. We use store bought icing and then use food coloring to make different colors. I also have tubes of icing we can use to decorate the cookies as well as sprinkles. This year I have decorative eyeballs to use! The kids enjoy it and so do I! We make lots of good memories. I have been making these cookies since Jack was around two years old. Back then my little sister and brother would come over (they were 10 and 6) to make and decorate cookies!

I enjoy giving these items as presents! I think homemade gifts are sometimes the best, especially when you can eat them!

I’m Tired

I haven’t watched the national news since the night of the election. I just can’t bring myself to do it. It has been over two weeks since that orange man won and I still can’t believe it. I worry for the LGBT community. I worry for people with disabilities, people in poverty, people depending on SSI and for the elderly depending on social security. I don’t know what is wrong with this country and the people who think they are better than everyone else or think they can look down on people. I am tired. I am just plain tired. I think about my dad everyday, but I can’t bring myself to call him or even reach out to him. I have thought about writing him a letter, but I still don’t think he will understand. He sees me as a second class citizen because I am gay. He doesn’t think I am entitled to the benefits of living in America…the right to marry being the one that bothers me the most. I hope I can watch the news again and just fast forward through the depressing stuff. I hope I can want to stay informed so that orange man doesn’t ruin things. I just don’t want to be tired anymore. At least I am not crying anymore.

My Father

My father and I had managed to avoid discussing politics since Spring of last year. I know he is a Trump supporter and he knows he shouldn’t share politics with me. When same-sex marriage became legal I had to unfollow him on Facebook because of his rantings about the Supreme Court. I have forgiven him so many times through the years for what he said to me and for what he had done to our family when he divorced my mother. He never congratulated me on my wedding to Sylvia, and yet I tried to keep him in my life. He had called my younger sister to ask her opinion of my marriage, because again, he doesn’t support it. I cried everyday after Trump won, because I knew that I might “lose” my relationship with my father. My dad’s wife, my brother, my half brother and half sister, my dad’s sister (my aunt, of course) and several other members on that side of the family support Trump. I was already trying to make a plan in my head for Christmas. I would ask him to come to my house and see us, because I would not want to go and be up around everyone for fear when/if politics came up I would lose control of my mouth and there would be a horrible argument. Now I don’t even want to do that.

I posted my feelings about the election on Facebook. Nothing too bad. I was disappointed and I knew the holidays would be hard. Several friends responded and then my mom responded about me being a strong single mom until I met Sylvia and then something about how she could relate as a single mom and that she never got much child support. She later told me that she had responded to ONE person’s response and really thought no one else would see it, just the one person. Well someone saw it and told my dad. He then called my younger sister who doesn’t live close by and told her my mom had lied and he didn’t appreciate it. He then told her that he wasn’t calling me because he knew I was already upset with him. Well she gave him a lecture and a list of other things he had done. Of course, then I find out about it and I am not happy that he has upset my mother because she found out about it as well. I called him all upset to talk to him and he didn’t want to talk about it. I hung up on him and have blocked his phone number along with my step-mom’s number. Her sister tried to get involved and texted me and I told her to stay out of it.

On top of all of that, my brother called my mom to ask her to talk to me because HE voted for Trump and HE wanted me to know that Trump wasn’t going to try to change the law on same-sex marriage. My sister slipped and told me this. You know it is not just the law about same-sex marriage it is future laws that will allow business to discriminate against those in the LGBT community.

Needless to say, it has been a drama filled week. I am still not sure when or if I will speak to my dad again. He says he accepts me and Sylvia, but doesn’t approve of the lifestyle. He has also said that family shouldn’t have to apologize to family. I am trying to find peace in my heart so I can get through each day. How many times do I let my heart be broken by my father? I don’t know if I can take another heart break. It isn’t easy to know what to do.

And the Results are Finally IN!

The nurse from the gynecologist office called me yesterday with the results of my blood tests from two weeks ago. My thyroid is fine, but I am in early menopause! YEA! I guess this means I am not going crazy thinking my body is turning on me with cramps and such. The doctor had told me two weeks ago that I could be in early menopause, but she doubted it. However, she would still run the test and see! Well, I guess I am just lucky with the early arrival of menopause! The nurse asked if I would like to make an appointment to come in and discuss options since I have experienced some painful cramps. She said we could discuss hormone replacement or a hysterectomy. If I decide on surgery, it won’t be until the summer when I have more time off. I am going to talk with her about the hormone replacement and try that first. I have asked Sylvia to go with me. She thinks surgery is a bad idea, and I am not 100% sold on it either, but I am tired of having symptoms from my period each month. I don’t get the period every time, but I do suffer from symptoms. If the period does appear, it is for a day or so. I am hoping Sylvia will go with me so that she can hear everything first hand and ask any questions she has.