Happy Attack!

During those days when Sylvia nd I spoke she had told me that I might become overwhelmed by all of these new feelings I was having about “this”! I listened, but didn’t really understand it until the morning after I told her I was falling for her.

That next morning we texted each other very early. This soon became something we did each morning, text while still in bed! That whole morning, I was feeling so good about things. Around 11:00 that morning though, I became very overwhelmed. My feelings went a bit out of control and I panicked a little. I texted her that I was OK but feeling very overwhelmed all of the sudden and that I didn’t quite know what to do. She immediately called me and we spoke for about 30 minutes. I got my feelings under control and calmed down a bit. It was not an awful feeling, just something that came over me so quickly. We later began to call these “happy attacks” and they happened every few days or so. I think I was afraid that something would happen and she wouldn’t be there any more!

This happened on a Thursday and she was leaving the next day to go to a friend’s house over the weekend about 90 minutes from where we lived. OH and when we discussed where to meet on Sunday, we figured out that we only lived about 12 miles from each other. It was nice to know she lived so close to me. We firmed up our plans to meet on Sunday, it was Halloween so I would have to get home to take my youngest out to trick-or-treat so we planned to meet around 1:00 in the afternoon. I would go to her house and we would go to a park from there if the weather was nice.

We talked again on that Thursday night and we had texted most of the afternoon. It would be a long few days until our meeting on Sunday, but I was excited and ready!

What happened next?

I wasn’t really sure what to title this blog post. I finally came up with “What happened next?” because the next step was a big one for me. As I said Sylvia and I spoke on the phone for the first time for two hours if not longer. Over the next two nights we spoke for two to two and half hours. We texted each day and exchanged a few more emails. I couldn’t wait to hear from her and as the friendship grew so did something else.

I opened up to her about my divorce, my children and my job. We shared a great deal of information and we discussed some common interests. On the fourth day after we had started talking(so three nights of talking) I was at work, and thinking about Sylvia and our discussions. I slowly began to realize how much I enjoyed speaking to her and discussing my life, her life and my decision to change who I dated. She really helped me so much in that area, and was so kind and patient. We had started discussing actually meeting in person over the coming weekend. She would be out-of-town, but we were hoping to meet on Sunday afternoon. This feeling during that day just stayed with me, a sort of calmness to realizing that I was really beginning to care about this person, maybe even LOVE this woman. Could I really fall in love with someone over the phone?

Sylvia and I texted during the day and made plans to talk that night. We started that evening like we usually did, talking and such. That feeling stayed with me during the conversation. I finally told her I had something I wanted to tell her, but wasn’t sure HOW to tell her. She was very sweet and told me to take my time. I froze a bit. I didn’t say anything……I closed my eyes and breathed. I finally told her that I thought I was falling for her, falling in love. Her reply was, “I know.” I don’t remember her saying that though, we discussed this night the next day and she reminded me of it. The rest of our conversation that night was a blur. She told me that she was falling for me also.

We spoke until one in the morning. We made plans to meet in four days, on the following Sunday. We promised to text the next day! I hung up with her, even though I didn’t want to. I was at such peace with myself in some ways. I knew I was on the right path for my life. I had always heard of people falling in love and thought it was just a fantasy. I was feeling something that I had never felt before and as I fell asleep that night I was the happiest I had been in a long time.

Talking on the Phone!!

As I said in my previous blog, Sylvia and I had decided to talk on the phone. We chose a day and I told her I would instant messenger when I got my youngest to bed. Thankfully, the child cooperated and went to bed and I messengered her that we could now talk on the phone. She asked me to call her and I did! I have to admit that I was nervous. We had talked to much online, would things go as easy on the phone.

I dialed the number and waited. After a few rings, Sylvia answered! It was nice to have a voice to go with the name now. We spoke for about two hours. I can’t even remember everything we discussed. We talked about our lives, our jobs, my kids, and me making this decision to “switch teams”.  It was an amazing night and neither of us wanted to get off the phone, but the late hour and the fact that we both had to work the next day pushed us to end the conversation. We agreed that we would talk the next night again and of course, by text during the day.

I got off of the phone with Sylvia feeling very good with how things were going. One thing she really stressed over and over again is that she wanted to move at my pace. She completely understood where I was in my journey and how I needed patience! This made things even nice. I felt very comfortable and safe talking to her. I was in such a good mood the next morning and then I checked my email on my iphone. Sylvia had written me the nicest email about how much she enjoyed talking to me and that she couldn’t wait to talk to me again. I felt the same way about talking to her.

We texted throughout the day and I thought of her all day. We spoke again on the second night  for over two hours. It was amazing to me how much we could find to talk about. Things were just so easy with her. I had two other women contact me through the dating website during part of this time and we did chat through a few emails, but nothing like I had with Sylvia. Could she really be “the one”? When I started on this journey I had already decided that I didn’t want to just meet a woman(or women) to have a “fling” with and then decide if this was something I wanted. I wanted to find someone I could connect with on many levels and who was intetested in something more long term. I was beginning to think that Sylvia might be this person, but would she feel the same way. I could only hope….could the first person I really corresponded with( I had corresponded with a few on craig’s list and on this dating web site, but only one or two emails and only one other on the phone and she was nice, but more of a friend).

I felt this strong connection with Sylvia. Everytime we texted, emailed or talked it just grew stronger. It was something that I had never felt before and it was nice….actually it was exciting and amazing. I really wanted to meet her in person, but was still a bit nervous.

So Where Would this Lead?

Sylvia and I had exchanged a few emails and decided to use a messenger service to talk so it would be more of a “live” conversation rather than through emails. I was usually free after 8:30 when my youngest went to bed so that is when we would chat at night. It was easy to talk to her and we had some very interesting conversations. We discussed our jobs and our families. I shared quite a bit with her about my children and she never seemed to mind if I had to get up and leave our chat for a bit to deal with a kid issue. She also gave me her cell phone number after we had talked for about a week, so we could text during the day.

I wasn’t sure where all of this was leading. We never discussed going out or really meeting. She gave me a lot of advice about “this” as we called my switching teams. One week after we had talked, on a Saturday night, I took a chance and asked her to meet me at a local coffee house that I go to once a month to meet some friends. We meet and just chat and I thought it would be a nice place to meet her. It wouldn’t really be a “date” and there would be no expectations….so no pressure on either of us. She couldn’t meet that night and that was fine too. We decided we would chat online later when I got home.

Later that night, when I got home we did chat. She surprised me by telling me she didn’t usually talk to women for this length of time unless she liked them, and she liked me. WOW! That caught me by surprise and I was excited by it, because I liked her. We had been talking online about talking on the phone and we had decided to talk in a few days. I had her phone number and so I would call her and we would go from there.

I was so comfortable talking to her online through a messenger service, but was nervous about this next step of talking on the phone, but at the same time excited. I still wasn’t sure about all of “this”, but I was glad to be on the next part of my journey!

So Now What?

So now I had joined the dating website and was thinking….SO now what? I started getting suggestions for different women I might be interested in based on the questions I had answered. I had several suggestions and I would look them over. I read over their profiles to see who might be of interest. Many of them I sent messages that I liked them, to see if they would respond. Over several days I did this with really no response back….so I was glad I had done the six month subscription seeing as it might take THAT long! I was also worried that I might have wasted my money! I had decided that I didn’t want to go to a bar to meet someone, just not my thing.

Each day I would look over profiles and send someone a “like” message so they might look at my profile and contact me back. Some profiles had pictures, others didn’t. I based my interest more on the profile over anything else. I finally got the nerve up to email someone through the website because I really liked her profile. She soon emailed me back, and I was quite excited by that. Her name was Sylvia and she was just a year older than me. We exchanged two emails back and forth through the website and then decided to exchange actual emails to make things easier. We discussed just general information about each other, however I did let her know that “this” was all new to me. “This” being dating a woman, but also dating in general. She seemed to be fine with that and fine that I had children.

I still wasn’t sure about all of “this” as I called it, but at least I had made a friend and was hoping that it would be more than a friendship. Sylvia and I seemed to have a lot in common. I wondered where things would go from here!

How does one begin to make this change?

So here I was, debating my dating life style. As I said, I spoke to several men through email, but none really appealed to me. Was it because I just hadn’t dated in over twenty years or was there more to it. I would find myself surfing the web, looking at dating sites as well as at lesbian web sites. If I was to make this bold leap, where to begin was the main question. I just wasn’t sure what to do or how to start. So I kept the debate going in my head and would push it aside for weeks at a time. There were moments though, when I would have time to myself, that I would begin my search on the web again.

I have several extended family members who are gay and one who came out later in life. I gave that person a call and spoke to them for quite some time. This person gave me some good advice and told me to go with my gut. It was most likely leading me in the right direction.

I looked on craig’s list’s dating site and well, it was these young girls looking for a fling. I met a one or two nice women, who corresponded with me. One even spoke to me by phone and we still chat sometimes. Most however, were younger girls who were not looking for a long-term relationship. I then decided I would just need to take the plunge and pay for a subscription for a dating web site. I then started looking at several of those and finally decided on one. Most of the sites costs about the same amount of money. I decided to do a six month membership, thinking it would take that long to find someone who might be interested in dating me or who I would find interesting. I truly had not dated anyone in over twenty years and that was scary in itself.

So now I have really decided to do THIS and now I have to write about myself in a profile. OH my, now wasn’t that interesting. What to say about myself and also that I have two kids. I didn’t want to hide that fact from someone. I also had this whole questionnaire to complete so that this website could recommend women who I might find compatible. I completed everything and paid with a credit card. I clicked submit and here I was starting a new journey. I still questioned, “Was this really what I wanted?” but again knew I had to find out. I knew I wouldn’t be happy with in my life, until I knew WHO I was and what I wanted. This was a huge step for me, just going on this website. Could I take the next step and actually speak to someone and go on a date? I didn’t know. I had to wait and see.

My background

I grew up in a Catholic household, but it wasn’t too strict. I was always a tomboy. I never liked wearing dresses and was more into sports. I was not that great at sports, but I always gave 100%.  I had one boyfriend in middle school, but that was middle school. I dated a few guys in high school, but not too many and nothing too serious. I never even considered dating a woman or being interested in dating a girl in high school. This was the late 1970s and early 1980s and there was no homosexuality on TV at the time.

In college, I started dating a guy I met at work. He was very nice and we dated for several years. He proposed and we married after I finished college. Life was good and we had two children.  Two years ago, however, he walked out on me and my two boys. We had been having problems in the bedroom for several years. My interest in the bedroom was not as intense as his was. This was one of the main reasons he left me. I had had several “girl crushes” over the years, but never acted on them or thought much about them.

We divorced pretty quickly and he moved on with his life. I spent several months just trying to get my life together with my boys. I had no interest in dating at all for several months.  I did finally go onto some dating websites and spoke to several men through email. Many of them were very nice, but nothing really seemed to click. I just wasn’t intereseted. I saw some TV shows with lesbian story lines and my mind began to wonder about it. I looked at women dating websites and found I was more interested in those websites than the ones with men.

I debated for several months over this issue. I finally took the plunge and joined a women’s dating website a few months ago!  I still wasn’t sure what I wanted, but I knew I was interested and had to find out for sure. I needed to know.

Introduction

I am a single mom of two boys who went through a divorce about 20 months ago. I had not even considered dating for a long time, but then started looking into some dating sites. I corresponded with some guys, but nothing really felt right. For a long time, I had found myself thinking about dating a woman.

Now many people will think, well this is just a phase, but it wasn’t. I considered it over several months and even while I was corresponding with guys online who were interested in dating. I finally decided to take the plunge and join an online dating site for women to meet other women. This blog will be about the journey that started for me about 8 weeks ago and where I am now!