I sometimes wonder what my life would have been like if I had discovered my true sexuality at a younger age. I was 43 when I decided to date women and found Sylvia. I had been married and had two children. Of course, if I had never married I would not have Jack and Ethan and I cannot imagine that. I love them both so much and they are such a big part of my life. I look at some of Ethan’s issues (Tourette Syndrome, OCD and ADHD) and wonder about my own childhood. I had horrible OCD as a child. I didn’t know it at the time, and neither did my parents. Of course, children were not diagnosed at that age. I look back now and see how I needed things to be a certain way or my world was off balance. I cried easily when things “weren’t just right”, but I couldn’t explain what just right was at times. I think I tried so hard to by typical, that I made myself straight. The thought of dating a woman never even crossed my mind until college, and then it was OTHER women dating women, NOT ME. I had several gay friends, who said that girls wanted to ask me out, but that wasn’t ME. Even now, I find that I like things a certain way, but I can “talk myself” down from the ledge and realize it is my OCD. The praxil that I take helps too. I am also very BLUNT and to the point. I can be socially awkward and have had to “teach” myself how to be social. If I had not had the OCD and anxiety that came with it and had better social skills, could I have been the TRUE ME and does it matter at this point? I also lacked confidence and self-esteem and still feel inadequate at times.

These realizations help me be a better parent and teacher. I want to advocate for my students and my own son. I find that I have to mentally tell myself how to behave and react at times. I would say 85-90% of the time it is natural to me now, but there are times, when I can still be that blunt person that just says it like it is. This doesn’t work well in a parent meeting with Ethan’s teachers or when I am the teacher talking to one of my student’s parents. I wish I didn’t have to THINK so hard some times to get it right. I used to wonder how others handled themselves with such ease and how it was hard for me. I don’t think it really matters if I figure out WHY I am this way or WHAT this is, but I do need to learn to cope with it.

Going back to my original question….would things have been different if I had been different all those years ago? I don’t know and there are no time machines that will allow me to go back and see, so I just have to look forward.

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2 thoughts on “Questioning Myself

  1. I love reading about your journey. While I do not share a similar coming out story (I came out when I was 15ish and am now 36) my wife shares a similar story. She always “knew” but was afraid for a multitude of reasons to be her true self. Not until she was 38 and we met, becoming close friends and eventual partners, did she really gain the strength to realize that it was time to live HER life and not the life designed by others. Thank you for sharing your story to help me understand my wife’s just that much more.

    Happy Holidays!

  2. Thank your for your post. I am glad that my blog has been helpful. My hope is that there will be fewer people coming out LATE in life, because homosexuality has become more acceptable, but then I realize it is NOT 100% accepted and there will always be those bigots out there who make it hard for a young person to come out.

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